Friday, December 31, 2010

That was the year that was

In traditional 'we-can't-be-arsed-to-find-any-real-news' tabloid-style journalism, here our 14-year-old work-experience public schoolboy compiles a reminder of the things brought to you by Petersfield Newswire during 2010.

Let's call it 20/10 vision ... for want of a better phrase.

Happy new year to all our reader(s).

In January we told you how the entire world was cut off from Petersfield because of a bit of snow.

February saw some new categories announced in the 2010 Petersfield in Bloom competition.

In March, a plethora of planning applications threatened to turn Petersfield into the Manhattan of the south ... and more importantly endangered the ladder against the tree in the Causeway.

As election fever started to hit Petersfield in April, one local candidate claimed Chapel Street was becoming like "a northern Chav estate..."

Petersfield was revealed as a crime 'hot-spot' in May, while in June the Petersfield Proust upset readers with its expose of a drugs factory at Bojangles School.

The requisite qualifications for a town traffic warden were announced in July, while plans for a Petersfield motorisation day were announced in August.

September saw the first alternative best in Petersfield awards, while in October, the much-criticised Post Office inaugurated an innovative, multi-tiered queuing system.

In one of 12 slow-news months, November saw the long-awaited announcement from Prince William and Kate Middleton that they would be unable to marry in Petersfield.

And finally, Santa fell foul of The White Hart's new parking restrictions in December as the ghost of profiteering present made an unwelcome appearance.

Graffiti update...

LATEST: More graffiti has appeared overnight in Petersfield - this time, the target of the 'street art', one Brian *********, has been accused of being a 'cad'.

Police are considering the possibility of exhuming the body of popular comedy actor Terry-Thomas in their search for clues.

However, his family are likely to resist any such moves, with a spokesman saying the police were "an absolute shower!".

The police are an "absolute shower!"

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What ho! Graffiti outbreak hits Petersfield

An outbreak of wanton well-spoken, Victorian-style graffiti has hit Petersfield.

Police are investigating a series of messages sprayed all across the town each bearing the tell-tale individual stylings of one unknown miscreant.

The first appeared on the wall of the former pub Thw White Hart, soon to be turned into a tidy profit.

The graffiti read: “Brian ********* is a crook”. And although the sprayed words were soon painted over by a local firm of defamatory graffiti removal men, similar phrases have appeared elsewhere.

Brian ******** has subsequently been described as a blackguard (on the wall of the Taro Centre); a rapscallion (at the town’s railway station); a scoundrel (in Rams Walk); a damned swine (on the library notice board); a bounder (on six people in the Post Office queue); a ‘bargain hunter’ (on the wall of Matt Tress’ haberdashery shop – sale now on!); a charlatan (on all take-away coffee cups at Costa Coffee); and a ‘vile oaf’ (on the sign above VI Loaf Bakery).

Inspector Broom of the Yard, explained: “This is an unusual outbreak. Normally graffiti falls into two categories: the ‘such-and-such is a w****r’ variety, or the ‘BC 4 AF’ style which often uses a badly-drawn love-heart.

This latest outbreak appears to come from a different type of artist, maybe from the ‘positivist age’, where such words were not uncommon.

“As a humble copper, it is not within my bounds of authority to criticise graffiti in a context of aesthetics or the theory of beauty, merely the pursuit of a rational basis for graffiti appreciation.

“The variety of graffiti movements has resulted in a division into different disciplines, each using vastly different criteria for their judgments. Now then, now then…”

Using a skilled psychological criminal profiler police now have a firm idea of the sort of man they are looking for.


Police have issued this photofit picture of the sort of man they are looking for.

He is believed to be around 130-150 years old, probably wearing a stovepipe hat, with a long tailcoat, waistcoat and a fob watch. He is also likely to be adorned with mutton-chop whiskers and carrying an ornate walking cane.

A man who earns a living as an Isambard Kingdom Brunel lookalike is currently helping police with their enquiries.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Santa’s best-sleighed plans in disarray

 
Present delivery proves a drag for Santa this year

Many of Petersfield’s children failed to receive gifts yesterday as Santa was prevented from making his delivery by an over-zealous parking attendant.

A distraught Santa explained: “I only touched down very briefly outside what used to be the White Hart pub; I have to make my deliveries at very high speeds you understand.

“I can’t have been there for any longer than about a hundredth of a second and, would you believe it, I was clamped.

“I travel so fast I am normally imperceptible to the human eye, but these people are pretty quick off the mark. This has never happened before. Who could be so heartless as to clamp Father Christmas?

“I feel so sorry for the children; it really is terribly bad luck. My reindeer and I completed our round using my spare sleigh, but I certainly wasn’t going to spend another moment in Petersfield.”

The parking enforcement officer insisted he was simply following orders and felt no remorse for his actions.

“Remorse?” he said. “Wha zat mean? He parked din he? He stopped, an e shun’t ‘ave. ‘E told me ‘e was goin’ straight off, but vey all say dat. ‘E parked up and now ‘as to pay ve fine.

“An’ ‘is bleedin’ sheep crapped on ve car park.”

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas to our reader ...

Many thanks to all our followers and readers who have voted us the top website called Petersfield Newswire in the recent Top Site Called Petersfield Newswire Awards 2010, in association with Petersfield Newswire.

We couldn’t have done it without you. Actually that’s tosh! Clearly we could … and did. But the sentiment’s there.

Just who are the men behind the Newswire?
Maybe this candid shot from the office party will give a clue

Anyway, happy Christmas and thanks for your support which has given us the will to keep going throughout 2010 and into 2011. We may even take local advertising next year so if you’re interested in supporting us drop a line to stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk.

If you want to support us but don’t have a business to plug, drop us a line anyway and we’ll tell you where to send food and drink…

And don't forget if you think you know who one of us is, you can approach us in the street and say: "I think you're a member of the Petersfield Newswire team and here's my £10 donation." Not forgetting of course, to make the £10 donation. We're sorry, we no longer accept cheques but Port and whisky are always appreciated.

Have a good one.

Clint, Frank, DJ, Cyrano and Plato.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas calamity

 The signs are not good

Children across Britain are set to be disappointed this Christmas as a disgruntled Santa admits he will not be able to deliver all presents.

In the grips of a record-breaking cold spell, there are no flights, and no flights means no sleigh.

Newswire asked Santa, does this really include him?

"Of course it does,” he said. "Who do you think I am Paul ruddy Daniels?

"The reindeer need a bit of a run up to get airborne and whilst that's okay in Lapland, I'm afraid in Britain you have the wrong type of snow. Ask Railtrack.

“I cannot afford to land here and then not get up again; the rest of the world will miss out on this once-a-year gift fest.”

We pointed out to Santa that he had an unblemished record, never having missed a Christmas delivery before. Didn't he have any feelings for the young children who would have to go without their Nintendos and Wiis this Yuletide?

"Bollocks!" he  exclaimed. "The kids are spoilt these days any way.

"Nobody leaves me out any port and mince pies any more so stuff the lot of them."

Monday, December 20, 2010

Churches may foot bill for 'illegal parking'

 Penny Pinching

East Hampshire District Council has hit upon a unique way of boosting its flagging finances – it’s started clamping illegally parked piles of snow in its car parks.

Penny Pinching, the council’s finance officer, explained: “At a hastily convened council meeting, a resolution was passed to treat piles of snow as we would any other illegally parked item.

“Admittedly the wheelclamps have had to be modified slightly but at £400 per day we believe that, across all our parks, we will soon have sufficient funds to send all our officers and councillors on a free ‘fact-finding mission’ to the Caribbean before any more snow falls.”

Ms Pinching accepted that the policy might be difficult to enforce but insisted the full force of civil law would be brought to bear on transgressors.

She added: “One might imagine that ownership of the snow might be difficult to substantiate, but if it has been piled up by an individual or corporation then that person or corporation is culpable and will be fined accordingly.

“And if ownership can not be proved in this realm then we will simply bill all the local churches, for if they believe in and worship God, then it is only right and proper they are prepared to pay His debts.

“The charges will accumulate on a daily basis because extensive research has shown us that towing away snow is like trying to nail water to a wall.”

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Petersfield prices hit all-time high

 Trey Dingstandards is thorough in his research

Beer and coffee prices have hit an all-time high in Petersfield with some bars charging as much as £5 a pint … and the beer’s not cheap either.

While the Petersfield Proust wastes time reporting on the rising costs of fuel, your finger-on-the-pulse Petersfield Newswire team has been checking out the prices of the things that matter to you, our readers.

And we can confirm that when you go out for your Christmas drinkies with friends and colleagues you will be paying more than ever before.

Petersfield’s consumer champion, Trey Dingstandards, explained: “Prices have traditionally gone up down the years … or is it down up the years? I can never remember. “Anyway they have reached an all-time high in time for Christmas, which is unfair on the consumer because that’s when they want to get p***ed the most.”

One public house in Petersfield was charging the equivalent of money for a pint of bitter, while a familiar High Street coffee chain was prepared to exchange gold bullion for small packets of Scottish shortbread.

Dingstandards, who has spent a large part of his career sampling alcohol for consumer research, added: “D’ya know what? I wouldn’t bother. Just leave it. She’s not worth it. You’re my best friend. I love you. Anybody fancy a kebab?”

But jeweller and haberdasher Matt Tress, a spokesman for Petersfield’s Independent Shop Staffs and Office Force (PISSOF), defended the policy and slated the Newswire.

He said: “This is capitalism. Market forces dictate the prices. That’s why turkeys go up in price in December, ice cream prices rise in the summer and why Katie Price’s books automatically get sent to the remainder bins at the overstock outlets.

“This is the biggest waste of a journalist’s time since The Snooze, in Portsmouth, dedicated its entire front page to the shocking revelation that roses cost more in the run-up to Valentine’s Day.

“Incidentally, have I mentioned I’ve knocked 25 per cent off all my stock in the run up to Christmas? I’ve also got some frozen geese, ducks and even a swan in the freezer out back. Just knock three times and ask for Lionel…”

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Freedom to slash

A Lib-Dem MP makes a promise to a constituent

Petersfield councillors are celebrating after being given the ‘freedom’ to slash their own services.

The Con-Dem coalition government is planning to ‘empower’ local councils to ‘get more for less’ - shortly after decimating spending on everything from schools to skate parks and libraries to lesbian drop-in centres.

If services have to be cut ministers have generously told councils “No, you tell them…”

And Lib-Dem councillors – who were previously opposed to slashing public services – are now backing the move as “a victory for localism”.

Cllr Philip Flop, who signed a pledge to protect Petersfield from cuts before the last election, said: “This is a victory for localism.”

He added: “We Liberals have always wanted a little bit of power and now we’ve got it we intend to use it. I may even sack myself…”

Petersfield’s Tory MP Damian Hindsight said: “It’s nothing to do with me, all decisions on local spending are down to the council.”

Monday, December 13, 2010

Row breaks out over Petersfield 'tweet and greet'

Bush telegraph 
  
A war of words has broken out between two groups of Petersfield ‘tweeters’ – each laying claim to the sobriquet.

Last Thursday evening a group of individuals who use the social network site Twitter met in The George for what they described as a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

And over the weekend birdwatchers from across the south gathered in Moggs Mead and turned their cameras and long lenses on a tree in search of an elusive specimen. They also claimed to be attending a “Tweetersfield Tweet-up”.

Word spread quickly Friday evening and Saturday morning that the rarest of species, a lesser-spotted, working-class waxwing, had been spotted in the town and dozens of people with nothing to do and too much money to do it with arrived in the town clutching their expensive cameras, and wearing fatigues and wide-brimmed hats.

A spokesman for the latter insisted they were the only group entitled to use the word ‘tweet’.

He said: “As bird-watching has been around for hundreds of years surely ‘tweet’ is our province. These Johnny-come-latelies with their inter-web chitter-chatter should call themselves something else otherwise it gets confusing.

“Two of our members rushed into The George on Thursday night, cameras at the ready, believing somebody might have spotted a drink for under £4. And on Saturday morning a teenager with his underwear clearly visible over the waistband of his denim trousers frightened off the waxwings with his constant typing of inane messages on some fruit-based mobile phone.

“The working-class waxwing is hardly ever spotted this close to the Surrey commuter belt. We feel the group may have been blown off course by the hot air generated by the letter writers of the Petersfield Proust. They perched in the trees looking aghast at the richness of comestibles available on the various bird tables.

“Such working-class species are used only to scraps, not smoked salmon blinis. It was a big day for us. Our missing members will be heartbroken and it’s all down to this other group.”

A spokesperson for the social-networking group – which allows messages of up to 140 characters to be sent anywhere in the world – explained: “We all use the Twitter service and our messages are known as Tweets. This fitted in with the words ‘Petersfield’ and ‘meet’, so naturally we (message truncated)

The driver of a four-wheel drive BMW, held up by the overspill of bird-watchers in Moggs Mead added: “I don’t know about Tweeting, but if they don’t get out of my bloody way I’m going to start twatting some of ‘em in a minute…”

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Not medium rare - firm to soft

Horse meat could become part of our stable diet

This week's Petersfield Proust is offering you the chance to win a share of a racehorse, a wonderful prize at this time of year.

Following the vicious cold snap and the death of Bernard Matthews, turkeys are harder to come by this year, and, as Christmas nears, there is expected to be a shortage of the festive birds.


Adverts around Petersfield offer townsfolk the chance to hunt down their own turkeys at a free-range turkey shoot. Champagne and mince pies included, the fun day out costs only £120.


The price may put this option out of the reach of some families at the rough end of town, towards Havant, down near the trailer park, and in recognition of this The Proust has come up with an inspirational alternative.


We asked one passer-by what he thought and he told us: "The French have always eaten horse; I don't see a problem with it.


"So long as you don't mind growing excess hair under your arms, smelling and running away at the drop of un chapeau, it could be a welcome addition to your diet.”

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Spy scandal hits Petersfield

 
Signal flag clearly visible near to the back of the Pilates Gym 


Newswire can report that a network of spies is working in the centre of Petersfield.

It is understood the spies are passing information to Midhurst Town Council and that it is possible that they were instrumental in ensuring that Midhurst would be the location of the South Downs administrative head office.

It would appear the spy ring proved so invaluable to Petersfield’s rival town that Midhurst officials are continuing to employ these underhand snitches to feed back valuable information for shopkeepers in the potentially profitable run-up to Christmas.

A double-agent, happy to take a back-hander from Newswire could not divulge much information, but pointed out a signal system positioned in the gardens at the back of Waitrose car park. This is clearly visible to the public and is positioned next to the Pilates gym.

We are reliably informed that the spy leaving the messages is codenamed “Pugwash”.

The flag currently hoisted is the black and yellow quartered maritime flag which represents the letter “L”. When used as a stand-alone communication, the flag conveys the message: “Please stop.I have something important to communicate to you”.

This could be a sign that the spies are getting careless, blatantly leaving messages that any old sailor or boy scout could interpret.

If any of our readers can provide any further information that will help us to expose these miscreants please contact us and let us know.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

'Young couple' denied chance to do 'something interesting'

A 'young couple' not wholly dissimilar to the 'young couple'
not involved in 'something interesting' yesterday

Civil rights campaigners have protested after a ‘young couple’ in Petersfield were prohibited from doing ‘something interesting’ which would have been worthy of a front-page story in the local press.

Gil Fordfour, a human rights lawyer who previously defended the Tamworth Two, insists the young couple – known as the ‘young couple’ for legal reasons – were all set to do something which would finally have generated some genuine news in Petersfield.

But, he says, local media chiefs prevented the ‘something interesting’ from happening as they already had their front pages allocated to a story about a frozen chicken in Steep and a dispute over an illuminated shop sign which involved two advertisers.

Fordfour explained: “It was clear from my off-the-record discussions with the local newspapers in Petersfield that they felt ‘something interesting’of this magnitude would have necessitated the launch of a third weekly newspaper. And they weren’t prepared to entertain that thought.

“It’s a sad day for human rights when this ‘young couple’ can’t do their ‘something interesting’ and get the publicity they were seeking.”

Local media commentator Meeja Hor explained: “The ‘young couple’ in question were entitled to the publicity they craved but they chose the wrong town. Neither local paper was prepared to shift their agreed front-page lead, local magazine Petersfield Wife was chatting to an interior designer and local radio station Faulty FM was on half-day closing.

“Although in a town the size of Petersfield there is clearly a need for three weekly newspapers the current economic climate prevents anybody from challenging the might of the Petersfield Proust and the Petersfield Hear-all.

“Residents can rest assured that this week’s papers will be full of the same local guff they always are: pictures of old people lining up, letters of ill-informed complaint and quotes from the same publicity-hungry traders.

"If you want to discover more about the ‘young couple’ doing something interesting you should read the national newspapers – they’re really struggling for news on rich kids asking for sponsorship to take a year off.”

Local human-rights campaigner and roof specialist Peter Thatchall was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Wikileaks reveals Petersfield's ‘Bourbon war’

Nobody is quite sure how the information was leaked

Petersfield councillors came close to declaring war this year, it has been revealed by the Wikileaks organisation.

Hundreds of secret documents have been unveiled on the website, including a particularly nasty exchange over which type of biscuits should be provided for refreshment at council meetings.

The leaks reveal a simmering feud between lovers of Bourbon and enthusiasts of Rich Tea – with one rebel fighting the corner for Custard Creams.

The biscuit battle was finally won by the Rich Tea brigade (mainly because they’re cheaper) but a series of leaked emails show just how close the council came to raised voices.

Among the previously secret documents is an email from Tory councillor Freddie Ponsonby-Ponce saying: “I must declare my support for Rich Tea – to spend taxpayers’ money on a foreign Frog-Eyetie hybrid biscuit like the Bourbon is beyond the pale.”

But fellow Conservative Mrs Hilda Blenkinsop disagreed, as revealed in an email dated June 11. “How could we possibly opt for the Rich Tea?” she wrote. “It is fundamentally a working-class biscuit and, so I am told, is even dunked into tea by some of the uneducated masses. It’s simply not right for Petersfield.”

The solitary campaigner for the Custard Cream was Lib-Dem councillor Mr Arthur Uturn who sent in a video of himself signing a formal pledge in support of his favoured biscuit. However, it is understood he has since switched his vote in favour of the Rich Tea and says he “should have been more careful” before backing the Custard Cream.

“If I had really thought anyone would take any notice of anything I said, obviously I would have thought before I promised councillors the earth…well, a custard cream.”

Other Petersfield revelations on Wikileaks include:

• a series of quotes for a new squeedgy-mop at the Taro Leisure Centre

• a debate on whether to buy screw-in Christmas lights or the traditional bayonet kind for the council’s festive tree

• details of an expenses claim for 57p for a small carton milk for an unspecified purpose

• the fact that Arthur Uturn was referred to as “a bloody idiot” during a viewing of his Custard Cream signing video at a council committee meeting in May

• details of a bugged conversation between a member of one of the town’s leading amateur dramatic groups and a suspected crime boss over the possibility of reducing prices for the 1994 run of Kiss Me Kate to an affordable level

• how a diplomatic incident was narrowly avoided after the deputy mayor accused the mayor of Barentin of ‘smelling of garlic’ during an exchange visit; and

• plans to build an underground coffee bar and charity shop in Butser Hill in case of nuclear war

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tory policy prevents snow in Petersfield claim

The weather has been causing chaos in Petersfield's private schools 

A left-wing political activist from Petersfield has criticised the Government’s weather policy as he feels treacherous snow conditions have been allowed only in non-Tory constituencies.

Len Ingrad, of 5 Yearplan Drive, believes the Government is punishing traditional non-Tory heartlands for their voting history.

He said: “Just look at where the weather has been worst and the areas most badly affected. The north – a Labour heartland; Scotland, traditionally Labour and now Scottish nationalist; and even the south-west, which has a history of Liberal MPs. And that is a slight on the current coalition.

“It’s clear that the old Tory ethos of ‘I’m all right Jack’ still exists. Cameron and his cohorts don’t care who suffers as long as it’s not them and their followers. Why hasn’t there been six inches of snow in Petersfield and Surrey – always strong Tory-supporting areas?

“I think we all know the answer to that… It’s just another case of the Tories feathering their own nest.”

Julian Hindsight, MP for Petersfield, speaking from his position atop a fence, insists Mr Ingrad’s views are wide of the mark, although they are worth listening to.

He said: “On the one hand this man is clearly a fruitcake. On the other, it is advantageous that snow does appear to have fallen in the preferred areas. Out of the mouths of babes and all that…”

Saturday, November 27, 2010

We're not lazy say ...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 Newswire writers have denied they're resting on their laurels

A spoof Petersfield news website has been lambasted by its reader for ‘resting on its laurels’ and has been accused of ‘lazy journalism’.

Petersfield Newswire, which has squeezed a tiny bit of humour out of the East Hampshire town of Petersfield for more than a year now, has failed to post a new, hilarious contrived story for more than a week.

And town jeweller Matt Tress, who paid 50p for a three-year subscription to the website, is aghast.

“I’m aghast, “ he said. “I paid 50p for a three-year subscription and they haven’t posted a story this week.”

He also accused the site’s administrators of lazy journalism, claiming they simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story.

He added: “Very often the site’s administrators simply regurgitate quotes as reported speech to pad out a story. I think they are resting on their laurels because they have been mildly successful in the last couple of weeks.”

A spokesman for the site’s owners denied they were resting on laurels and refuted suggestions of lazy journalism.

“We deny we’re resting on our laurels and we refute suggestions of lazy journalism,” said the spokesman.

“For a start we can’t afford laurels and we would never go so far as to suggest the site contained any journalism. We are, however, working to rule following the proposed rise in tuition fees.

“We have an empathy with students and decided to show our support by following their example – not working for a week and drinking cheap cider and eating Pot Noodles. Unfortunately for the media in this country abnormal service will resume soon … when we can be arsed to do something.”

Friday, November 19, 2010

The last maternity unit before Hindhead tunnel...

The creche at the new unit makes good use of the Best Burger Bar's outside catering facilities

The recent closure of the Grange Maternity Centre has forced Petersfield midwife Connie Traction to set up a birthing unit in a lay-by on the A3.

The ‘Best’ birthing unit shares a generator with the Best burger bar and is unique in offering instant coffee and a bacon burger to waiting fathers-to-be.

Traction said: “Fortunately the lay-by we’ve chosen is north of the Ham Barn roundabout. If it had been south of Petersfield there was always a chance people from the area would have refused to use us as they might not want Leigh Park shown as the ‘place of birth’.

“Because of the neighbouring burger bar, we’re never short of boiling water though the towels do tend to smell of fat.

“We’re proving particularly popular with teenage mums who are quite happy to give birth in a car in a lay-by as that’s how most of them conceived – and they’re only too happy to have their placenta served up as a side-dish with the ‘famous Best mushroom burger’, their first post-birth snack.”

A spokesman for the government said: “This is just the kind of entrepreneurial spirit we’re encouraging with David Cameron’s Big Society. And it follows on organically from the Tory ethos espoused by both Norman Tebbit and Iain Duncan Smith: if the maternity unit near you has closed down just get on your bike and find another – only in this case it’s a car.”

East Hampshire District Council is monitoring the situation carefully as, if it proves successful, they may extend the lay-by to enclose a library, a pull-in centre for the elderly and a CAT scanner using discarded all-in-one Canon printers and the headlights from a MkIII Cortina.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Times changed so trains leaf earlier...

No image manipulation was used in this stunning picture ...

Bored with the everyday humdrummery of running a railway, staff at South West Trains (SWT) have been passing the time while waiting for its trains by renaming the seasons.

As this sign at Petersfield Railway Station confirms, we're now in the thick of "Leaf Fall Season" or, as it used to be known, "autumn".

SWT bosses decided to rename Autumn back at the height of barbeque and sunburn season.

As stationmaster Ivor Whistle explained: "Our new name for autumn highlights the evil, untamed, malignant leaves that blight our lives and should be banned. Kill the trees.

"It also distracts attention from our crappy trains that get stuck in leaves a two-year-old could kick their way through."

SWT have now planned future delays well into scrapy windscreen season.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ring the Changes

Matt Tress would love to have had a bash at Kate's ring 


A Petersfield jeweller has slammed newly-engaged royals Prince William and Kate Middleton as “selfish” and “shameful”.

Matt Tress is not unhappy about the complete waste of taxpayers’ money in a time of austerity – far from it. The High Street jeweller feels far more should have been spent...particularly on, er, new jewellery.

“Why is it that at a time of recession, when our economy is desperately in need of a kick start, William decides to recycle an old engagement ring instead of putting his hand in his pocket and buying Kate a new one?” moaned Tress, 85.

‘I think it's shameful to carry on like this at a time of recession, they should know better and set more of an example. Sometime next spring some lucky baker will be asked to produce a magnificent and multi-layered cake.

“Very soon, dressmakers will be employed to deck Kate out in a wedding dress, that will in all probability be about two hundred yards long. Massive orders will be placed with florists, tailors will be working their socks off and some lucky caterers will be rubbing their hands at the prospect of helping with the wedding breakfast.

“But us poor jewellers have been left with nothing to rub our hands about! Knowing the wedding was imminent I had designed a fabulous ring that would have cost the earth, I sent the design months ago to Prince William. He has clearly shunned this in favour of some old bit of family jewellery.

“I think it's a disgrace, this was clearly a chance to inject money into the local economy and would have put Petersfield on the map. I think he has been very selfish and, perhaps more importantly, this will certainly mean that I will have to cancel the cruise that I had planned for next year.”

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

William and Kate not to marry in Petersfield

Kate and William's Dukes of Hazzard-themed engagement party did not go off without a hitch

Prince William and Kate Middleton had their hopes of a Petersfield wedding cruely dashed today, just hours after announcing their intention to wed.

The royal couple had planned to hold their main wedding celebrations in central Petersfield, tying the knot in St Peter's Church and then holding a reception outside.

However, despite productive talks with Clarence House over several weeks, local council officials secretly rented out the Square to the owner of Dodgy's Wine Bar for the crucial day.

Meanwhile, Post Office managers in Petersfield say start queuing now for the Royal Wedding special edition stamps. "We love to maintain a long line of tradition," said local Royal Mail manager Dee Livery.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Divine Intervention

Iraqi vicar pleased with welcome
 
Petersfield Big School (PBS), received a visit from the vicar of Baghdad this week.

Sheik Yajosticks arrived at the school in a large black limosine and on arrival was ushered into the newly refurbished PBS reception suite, complete with bar and massage facilities.

The cleric's welcome was put together by girls from the dance faculty and was a modern take on the dance of the seven veils.

The holy man did preach very briefly to a number of students who were forced into the main hall to listen to him, but it seems likely the primary reason for his visit was to discuss the oil that was struck beneath the school site last year.

It is thought that PBS is trying to forge lucrative links with the Middle East, without drawing unwanted attention to the talks.

If Sheik Yagosticks was not here to see the oil, it would be difficult to explain why he arrived with a hard hat under his arm.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Happy Clampers

Trick or treat
 
The landlord of the White Hart has experienced an extraordinary turn of fortune since closing down the establishment, with profits soaring to the highest level in the pub's history.

With overheads cut to a minimum, landlord Max Prophet barely has time to count the cash these days as income from his " Petersfield Park and Fine" scheme comes pouring in.

Prophet said: "We all know the High Street can get really clogged up with cars and so we provide an alternative option to those wanting to park near the centre of town.

"We guarantee that if you park at the White Hart, you will not be asked if you want your car washed and you will be safe from old ladies swinging open their car doors.

"Our rates are not the cheapest in town, but we are still attracting many more customers than we ever thought possible, each of them looking for the perfect spot to park.

"We even got our parking supervisor to dress up for Halloween. It's always nice to give something back to the community. Ivan fitted his costume beautifully, and I'm sure he brought smiles to the faces of many people over the weekend as he growled at them asking for their £215 parking fine.

"This has been such a tremendous success; you should see what we have planned for Christmas.”

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mac appeal

Francesca; a needy case with her newly donated Hunters 

An urgent appeal has been made for macs, wellies and even umbrellas after the village of Langrish was struck by a deadly puddle.

“When it rains an enormous puddle forms at the side of the road – it’s terrifying!” said passer-by Mrs Kreata Drama. “One day someone is going to get quite damp if this is allowed to continue.”

A new campaign group, Concerned Residents Against Puddles (CRAP), is calling on the government, council or anybody else they can think of to act by building levees or flood banks to prevent a splashing disaster.

In the meantime a public appeal has been made to help those in need.

Wellington boots (Hunters only), macs (Burberry if possible) and umbrellas (Armani or Brigg) are urgently needed. If you have any of these items to spare, please drop them off at the Langrish House Hotel for distribution to frightened residents.

Please don’t drive through the puddle on your way – or you could just be contributing to the impending doom.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oh dear: Petersfield Newswire budget cut

F ll wing the G vernment’s ‘C mprehensive Spending Review’ the Petersfield Newswire has had its budget slashed by 1/26th .

C nsequently all news items in future will be written with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’.

A sp kesman f r Newswire said: “Unf rtunately we are as liable t cuts as any ther w rthless b dy and theref re have taken the brave – s me might say f lhardy decisi n – t d away with the letter , spelt ‘ h’, in all future news items.

“We sympathise with readers – particularly th se wh d n’t live in Petersfield – but they will s n bec me used t d ing with ut the letter , spelt ‘ h’. This is just ne f the many knee-jerk cutbacks f rced up n s ciety by the C n-Dem c aliti n, but ur readers will have n truck with that as they v ted f r them in the first place.”

Petersfield Newswire is n t the nly east Hampshire rganisati n t be hit hard. Defence cuts mean East Hampshire MP Julian Hindsight will n l nger be able t sit n de-fence and will have t pr ffer a view  n the issues f the day.

Residents are likely t find prices rising in Waitr se, with  rganic, gluten-free Italian bread retailing at s mewhere near the gr ss d mestic pr duct f a small East African republic.

It’s n t all bad news, h wever. Prime Minister David ‘James’ Camer n – the direct r f such epics as Titanic, Avatar and The Bullingd n Club 2: This Time It’s n Expenses – and Chancell r Ge rge sb rne-H use are n t affected by the cuts.

A sp kesman c nfirmed: “The c untry can sleep safe in the kn wledge that b th gentlemen are immune fr m the cuts as they have rather large family estates up n which they can rely.”

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Petersfield's new MP hurt in fence-sitting incident

Being an MP is a lot harder than Julian Hindsight expected...

Petersfield MP Julian Hindsight was rushed to hospital this week – to have a fence removed from his arse.

The incident followed his call for a referendum on plans for an eco-town at Bordon.

“I’d like everyone to vote on the issue because I’ve been very firmly dithering over this for some time and I really can’t make up my mind,” he mumbled.

In a move that should make him popular with his Liberal coalition bedfellows the Tory added: "Obviously I’d like to see lots more houses built in an eco fashion but I don’t want to offend any constituents that live nearby.

“This decision-making business is a lot harder than I imagined - in fact if we could have a referendum on everything I wouldn’t have to stand up for anything.”

Hindsight’s referendum call follows previous sideline-sitting over issues like the closure of Alton Magistrates’ Court – which hears Petersfield cases - leaving unfortunate criminals facing the long journey to Aldershot to be let off.

The MP was also undecided on whether to oppose the closure of Petersfield’s Grange Birth Centre following a baby boom (!).

“I’m here to protect local services … but we are the natural party of slash and burn, and you did vote for us,” said Mr Hindsight from his position on the fence.

“I have decided that I will campaign for more consultation and for local voices to be heard on all vital subjects – before we go with the original plans anyway.”

The fence removal operation was unable to be carried out at Petersfield Hospital due to Con-Dem cuts, but luckily a private clinic was available…

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Special delivery

 The hole in Petersfield Town Square


Precautions taken by Petersfield Town Council, shoring up the statue of William III in the town square have proven extremely prudent, as cracks in the paving widened, giving way to a gaping hole very nearby.

The hole appeared over night and only this morning was the reason for the rift evident to locals, as a Chilean flag appeared from the depths, to be planted at the hole-side.

‘Rescued’ miners then started appearing via a pod at the rate of about one per hour. But they took one look at the queue for the Post office and jumped back down in the hole…

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Residents tread carefully as anger becomes pride

Dominic Thirst's work has been shortlisted for the Turner Prize

Residents’ anger turned to pride in a village near Petersfield when they realised tyres they believed had been “dumped” were in fact a shortlisted entrant for the Turner Prize.

The Petersfield Proust reported that homeowners in Cockshott Lane, Froxfield, were “appalled” last Sunday morning to find more than 60 tyres dumped all along the lane.

Residents had complained that some of the tyres had “slashes across them and others were bald” suggesting they may not have been quite so “appalled” had they been new and usable.

One anonymous resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “It was absolutely awful. The whole lane was strewn with all these tyres and was completely blocked off to people looking to let their dogs have a shit.”

But following East Hampshire District Council’s assertion that “It’s a classic case of professional flytipping”, local artist Dominic Thirst admitted it was part of a modern art project entitled “Angry Residents”.

The Petersfield-based loon, famed for his contemporary and controversial art works including “half-a-sixpence suspended in TommySteeledahide”” and “unmade flatpack wardrobe”, said: “I spent hours setting up the tyres in an exact geometrical pattern only for interfering busybodies to come along, allow their dogs to piss on them and then complain to the local paper.

“They should be proud.”

One resident, Mrs Glenda Trellis, said: “We are so proud that Froxfield has been chosen to exhibit this masterful piece of work by one of the country’s leading young nut-jobs.”

Renowned art critic, snob and camp commentator Brian Sewell was unavailable for comment.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Queue Goes Sky High

Things are looking up at Petersfield Post Office 

Petersfield Post Office has come up with a unique solution to its queuing problem.

The massive line of people waiting to check their parcels against the impenetrable new rules for posting – or simply wanting to buy car insurance or change pounds into Turkish lire – has become world famous after snaking halfway round the town for months.

However, queues across the Square are now a thing of the past thanks to a new multi-storey queuing platform that has been erected on the front of the Post Office building.

Queue-ers can now go up instead of across – to the delight of market traders and anyone trying to park illegally for a few minutes while nipping into a charity shop or estate agent.

“Never let it be said that we’re intransigent old bastards who don’t care about our customers,” said Post Office manager Dee Livery.

Architects have also said they will wait to see how well the new multi-tiered system works, but if all goes according to plan, beds and toilets could be added to the upper levels for those who will be subjected to longer delays.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Petersfield Festivities to have a new 'edge'

Tossing the grissini has proved popular at the annual Eton garden party

A 22-year-old Petersfield man is looking to involve the town’s residents more after over the running of the town’s Festivities.

Pen Ury, a lecher at a women’s gym and part-time editor of What Scone? Monthly, has lived in Petersfield all his life and aims to carry on a family tradition.

Pen explained: “My family has a long association with big projects like the Festivities and an outstanding track record.

“My great-great grandfather was the navigator on the Titanic, my great-great uncle was one of the drivers involved in the Wall Street Crash and the Nuremburg Rally, and my grandfather invented the papier-mâché internet.

“All of which could have turned a profit had things turned out differently. So I have confidence in my entrepreneurial genes.”

To attract more participation Ury is looking to incorporate events that will appeal to Petersfield’s residents.

He said: “The Highland Games, in the Highlands of Scotland, and the Eisteddfod, in the Eisteds of Wales, both attract a lot of local people because it taps into the history and the culture of the region – and that’s what I’ll be looking to do in Petersfield.”

Events under consideration for the new-look Festivities include tossing the grissini, throwing the Jimmy Choo wellington boot and artisan-cheese rolling.

For the youngsters there will be pin the tail on the Lipizzaner; hungry free-range hippos; private Operation – where somebody does it for you; Manhunt, where a butler secrets himself in one of the many domestic quarters around the town; Musical Statues, accompanied by the Petersfield Chamber Orchestra playing the whole of Wagner’s Ring cycle; and a new version of Postman’s knock, where the person who collects the most discarded red elastic bands gets to jump to the front of the queue at the town’s Post Office.

Local schools have been quick to throw their support behind the event with one young girl from fee-paying Dunnannying already planning several fundraising events.

Tamsin Hedge-Fund, mother of nine-year-old Jocasta, said: “Jocasta and some of her friends are keen to help raise some funds to support Pen’s ideas. Four of them have offered to fly economy on their winter ski trips, with the money saved being handed over, and Jocasta is planning to sit in a bath of edamame beans for 24 hours.”

With apologies to Ben Errey and with our best wishes in his efforts to make the Petersfield Festivities a success.


Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Petersfield's gap-year boost

Melissa Bufton-Tufton is seen here helping out the needy in Petersfield

Petersfield is hoping for an economic boost as applications surge from affluent foreign students to spend their gap year helping the downtrodden in the town.

Applications started flooding in when a leading Roman Catholic cardinal described Britain as 'a third world country', and Petersfield was pinpointed following the BBC's decision to film a Boys From The Blackstuff-style documentary about the unemployed in the area (see Badger story).

"I was going to spend my year off in Timbuktu helping one-legged orphans learn to use an iPad, but since I heard about this desolate outpost of poverty in East Hampshire I knew at once I had to offer to fly in," said Osama Bin Loaded of Riyadh.

Even Melissa Bufton-Tufton, of Monks Orchard, has put off her Cambridge degree course in managing a paternal trust fund to help out in her home town after getting 37 A* grades at Bojangles School.

"It's great," she said. "I'll be able to improve my CV without travelling to some awful place in Africa where I might not be able to plug in my straighteners. I'll be mostly doing community work - waitressing at Pizza Express and stuff like that."

Monday, October 04, 2010

An absolute shower

The 12th green at Celtic Manor, Wales 

The agency, responsible for the PR for Wales and the Ryder Cup, have proudly announced that Petersfield is a new client, this is off the back of their recent staggering performance at Celtic Manor.

People from across the world have tuned in and read about the horrendous weather conditions that threaten to greet you should you venture into Wales . On top of this, the huge delays on approach roads and tales of how spectators had to spend hours in their cars, with nothing to do, made headlines across the world.

A spokesman for Who Said There's No Such Thing As Bad PR, or WSTNSTABPR as the company is catchily known, was elated at the news.

"I can confirm that we have been contracted to do some work for Petersfield by Mr Phil Anthropist, I must stress that this contract is not supported or paid for by Petersfield Town Council, who unfortunately have yet to be convinced about the merits of our appointment."

Mr Anthropist was delighted that WSTNSTABPR had accepted the challenge. He told us: "This is a turning point for our quaint old market town.

"For months now developers have been banging on about how necessary it is to build an extra 36,000 homes in the surrounding area. How Petersfield is a place where everybody wants to be, and how we need to be able to accommodate all comers. We are sure our friends at WSTNSTABPR will be able to change all that.

"The remit is simple, just do what they did in Wales and ensure nobody wants to come here.

"Even the money-grabbing developers won't build here if they really believe that they will struggle to sell their homes for big profits.

Speaking on behalf of developers Stack 'Em High, Sly Back-Hander defended the position of developers associated with the local projects. He said: "We have carried out a cost-effective assessment of the need for new housing in the area, and all our tests have proved conclusively positive.

"We have had researchers out for over an hour, establishing how busy roads in the area, and as you probably already know they are very, very busy.

"If there is traffic, this is an area where people want to be, so there is clearly a need to build new homes.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Petersfield celebrates remembrance of news past

Popular former newspaper the Petersfield Proust has been forced to take unprecedented action and give a free hardback book to each buyer in an attempt to attract readers during a time when there is a dearth of East Hampshire news.

Many townsfolk have refrained from buying their local paper lately, in the knowledge that nothing of interest has happened in the area since the snowfalls of January.

The Hindhead tunnel is coming along nicely; the weather is quite mild for the time of year; and the South Downs National Park headquarters will be based in Midhurst not Petersfield.

There’s nothing for an ace reporter to exaggerate, or for the local populous to protest about there. Even regular correspondents to the letters’ page, who have previously never been slow to spout ill-informed complaint, have stopped writing.

The free Disney book will excite young boys across the town, being on the popular subject of dinosaurs. It is thought this subject was chosen following the interesting discovery earlier in the year at Hindhead, back when there used to be news.

The bad news for parents is that after this exciting freebie, future weekly editions will be available to buy from The Snooze for an overall cost of £68.77. Future titles include Dance Drama and Music, Children of the World and Communications. All highly interesting stuff and ideal bedtime reading for a generation raised on Tomb Raider, Harry Potter, Call of Duty and Jordan’s breasts.

So even if there is no news, there is no excuse not to buy this week’s edition of the Petersfield Proust … unless of course you don’t have any young children or you don’t want to get suckered in to buying the next 23 editions of the encyclopedia.

Disclaimer: Other newspapers are available, but they’re not half as much fun nor do they have names which lend themselves well to continuing the philosophic-author pun genre, such as the Petersfield Harold. Philosophy puns is apparently something of a Nietzsche market…

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Flimsy excuses cause closure of Petersfield birthing unit

The popular Petersfield birthing centre, The Grange Maternity Centre, is to close “temporarily” as midwives are moved to hospitals to cope with a “baby boom”.

In much the same way that an increase in criminal activity and anti-social behaviour necessitated the closure of Petersfield police station, NHS officials were left scurrying around in an attempt to come up with a feasible excuse for the move.

Portsmouth Hospitals NHS Trust has denied any plans to shut the unit but the impending Government comprehensive cutting review seems certain to expedite its shutting down.

A spokesman for the NHS Trust said: “It has come to our notice that the hundreds of people who worked tirelessly a few years ago to mount a campaign to keep the Grange open have been getting bored with nothing to do.

“This is all part of a community project and fits nicely with David Cameron’s Big Society objective. Groups can build up a great community spirit while mounting a concerted campaign opposing the closure and, when they realise their efforts have been futile, we can ask them to take control of the unit themselves.

“The Big Society allows for a couple of people with clean towels, boiling water and a large pair of forceps to run the unit for the benefit of the community. It will be a lasting legacy of the Conservatives’ community initiatives.”

Phil Opiantubes, head of moving midwifery to save money (MMSM), said: “What we need to make sure is that the midwives are where the women are. So by forcing the women to have their babies in Portsmouth we can justify moving all our midwives there.”

The same premise may be applied to other public services in the area. An increase in arson may see the forced closure of Petersfield fire station, while an increase in the number of commuters using Petersfield station may force SouthWest Trains to start its Waterloo service from Liphook.

The expected baby boom, will, almost inevitably lead to a closure of primary schools in five years time when the children are heading off to full-time education and once the economy picks up all shops are expected to close.

It’s not all bad news, however. A Government spokesman confirmed that those who could afford to go private would be unaffected.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Extinct species spotted in Petersfield shocker

Petersfield children were afforded the rare sight of a flypast
by a policeman yesterday for the first time since VE Day

Petersfield Newswire has received an extraordinary photograph from one of our “adoring” readers, who couldn't believe his luck.

Ivor Fyne was both the luckiest and the unluckiest man in Petersfield yesterday and has the photographic evidence to prove it.

Fyne told us: “I got a bloody parking ticket. I was parked outside the Post Office for a couple of hours, in what used to be a 30-minute slot - but as we all know you can pretty much ignore that. When along comes the old bill and bingo, I've got a ticket.”

While such a scenario is extraordinary in itself, Fyne remains upbeat after benefiting from the sight of two rare occurrences happening simultaneously – rather like an eclipse.

“It was as I was taking a snap of the copper writing my ticket, I noticed that despite it being the middle of the day, and not a bank holiday or a Sunday ... there was no queue outside the Post Office,” said a dumbfounded Fyne.

Fyne now has a picture of this doubly unlikely event, which could be worth thousands to a collector of such unusual historical events. He could consequently make a substantial profit from the day - and the parking ticket will be a mere trifle in comparison.

Commenting on the presence of a police officer in the town, a spokesman for Hampshire Constabulary explained: “We had to have an officer in Petersfield at some time. The ConDem government is looking to cut 25 per cent of all police on the beat. And even a primary school child knows that a quarter of nothing is still nothing.

“This allows us to tick a few boxes after the comprehensive cutting review.”

Nick Clegg is 43.

Monday, September 20, 2010

No news is bad news

Even the BBC News 24 ticker acknowledged nothing much was happening

A lack of news in Petersfield has forced a local newsrag to use a woman having a haircut as the top story on its revamped website.

Petersfield Proust reporters did their best to build up the 'story' by saying the woman deserved her new hairdo because she had three kids to look after - but this was far from convincing (especially to other mums).

Hopefully more news will be forthcoming in the next few days, or we may have to resort to a mutliple choice news story involving the queue at the post office, more housebuilding plans, and pedestrianisation in the High Street...

"Please God somebody do something interesting," moaned a passing reader.

Happy birthday to us

Petersfield Newswire was one year old on Saturday.

Nobody put out bunting in the Square, nor did East Hampshire District Council fund a big-stage event in the town.

On the plus side, Mona the Big Issue seller did offer us a smile of congratulations as she said: “Beeeeeeeeeeeg Eeeeeeeeeeessssssssssshhhhheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaassssse…”

We don’t know why we bother – but we will continue for not other reason than we enjoy it.

Please do not hesitate to send your suggestions and birthday greetings through to us at stuff@petersfieldnewswire.co.uk